Anticipation

And, so, with less than a week to go, I am starting to feel the pressure. The need and desire to kick butt and take names on Saturday at what will be the biggest physical challenge I have ever attempted to undertake.

And I am so scared I feel like I'm going to vomit. And I still have this week to go through before the big day.

It is kinda hard to put into words why I am feeling so scared. I guess I can tell the story about last year and running the half marathon during Grandma's weekend.

Last year I also trained with the DRC marathon/half marathon training group. It was the first time I trained with anyone else - I had always done it alone with a bit of success. But with the group... my training was consistent. I was motivated to do more. I had the support of great people to push me along. I was getting stronger and faster. I won a 10k race, which was completely amazing.

And then there was race day. I felt the same fear and anxiousness last year as I do right now. I was in a worse place emotionally then, feeling like a complete failure and that I wouldn't be able to finish as fast as I wanted, or maybe even at all. I put on a happy face, though, and tried to will my way into a better frame of mind. It didn't work.

This depression from a race was, and is, just weird to me. Running has been my solitude, my mental and physical release, the thing that has helped me stay sane. But for some reason I am putting so much pressure on myself, that the very thing that I have come to love is causing me so much heartache and despair.

At the race I started out well, if not a little fast. It was really foggy and cool out, decent running weather (I don't do well in heat). I don't know how far I went before I started feeling like I couldn't catch my breath. Each step was a labor, oxygen not being able to get into my lungs and to my legs to move me forward. I started thinking about how it was true, that I was a failure and that there was no way I'd be able to achieve my goal. I started slowing down. I'm pretty sure I was close to tears at times. Some part of me compelled me to continue even though I didn't want to go on.

And then I finished. Slower than I had wanted. I felt defeated. I felt like a failure. I PR'd by over 12 minutes, but I felt like it was a sham. I was not tired. I felt like I did after a training run. I didn't leave it all out there.

And I was a mess for a while after that.

And now, this year, today, I'm starting to feel the way I did last year. Like a failure. Like I won't achieve my goals. Like I'm useless. And I don't know if I'll be able to snap out of it. Add to that a left quad that just won't get better and now a right ankle that is a bit achy....

Part of me wants it to be a week from now, so that it will be all over. Another part of me doesn't want today to end.

I am living in the anticipation of what will be.

Thursday's Run

Another easy, taper run. It was very windy and cool, with a rain starting towards the end. I went 4.12 miles in 37:41, for an average pace of 9:09.

Saturday's Run

The last Saturday training run is along the end of the race course, from the store to the finish line. It's helpful for people that are doing the race for the first time, to see where they need to go on that day. For me, it put a knot in my stomach thinking by the time I get to DRC that I will have gone almost 24 miles. 24 miles. With over 2 more to go. On Saturday I ran 3.84 miles in 32:26, for an average pace of 8:27.